My Story AKA Why I’m Fat

January 4, 2010

I really want to get the story of my weight and body issues down all in one place. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while, so here I go.

I grew up here in Texas with conservative Texan parents. I grew up eating Southern food and Tex-Mex. Very yummy, but not so great for staying thin. My mom  let me eat pretty much whatever I wanted to growing up. She told me later that she just couldn’t deny her children food if they were hungry. I understand how she must have felt, but in the end, it didn’t help me. I just never learned a healthy way of eating. I was probably 7 or 8 when I started gaining weight. I also went through puberty at a young age. I stopped growing at 11 years old. At that age, I was 5’3″ (Just like now!) and 120 pounds. I was actually a very good size. I just didn’t realize that I was developing the body of a woman already and I suppose my family didn’t, either.  I was in a D cup bra and had my period already. I feel as if I started thinking of myself as being a fat girl and it became my identity.

The normal stresses of growing up were there, of course, and I always loved to eat. It became my comfort and my hobby. I love to cook and I always have. I don’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t love to cook and bake. I started gaining weight and just kept getting bigger and bigger as all of my friends began to grow taller and thinner. I was 14 and almost 200 pounds. I hated it. I tried every diet you can imagine. Weight Watchers, figurine bars, Alba 77 shakes, those little Ayds candies, counting calories and weighing every single thing that I ate. I remember having dizzy spells in my kitchen because I was trying so hard NOT to eat. My mom would always just support whatever I was doing. I used to read Young Miss magazine, which is now just YM, I think. I saw a few ads in the back for fat camps and I showed them to my mom. This was the year before I started high school. I was to start an honors English class and I knew that the teacher always took a group of students to England every year. I really wanted to go, and had spoken to my parents about it. When I found out about fat camps, though, I decided that I wanted to go there instead. My parents couldn’t afford for me to do both. They took out a loan and sent me to California for 3 months after doing a lot of research on the camp. It was Camp La Jolla and I think it’s still in operation, but there aren’t as many locations anymore.

I LOVED camp. We lived in college dorms and I made so many friends. We had professional chefs cooking all of our food and we exercised several hours a day. I felt so grown up and independent and I learned a lot there. We had nutrition and behavior modification classes. I got down to almost 160 pounds in the 3 months I was there. I was really happy with the way I looked and so excited to start high school. I thought that everything would change. I always had a lot of friends, but I wanted attention from boys like my friends had. That didn’t happen. I know now that I was painfully shy and that made a big difference. I had no self confidence. When things didn’t really change, and I wasn’t exercising as much, not to mention my mom’s chicken fried steak, I gained all of my weight back. I spent the rest of my high school years weighing around 200 pounds. That’s how much I weighed at graduation.

A bit more background is that my mom and my biological father divorced when I was a year old. She remarried when I was 2 and he adopted me. He was not at all emotionally available and I wasn’t brought up with a dad telling me I was beautiful, or any of the things that I think of that happens in a good father/daughter relationship. I’ve never danced with him. He doesn’t even talk to me now. He and my mom divorced about 7 years ago and he cut me and my children off then.

So, I was married right out of high school to my high school sweetheart. He was heavy as well and we ate poorly together. A year after we were married, I found out I was pregnant.  I ended up having twins. They weighed a combined 14 pounds and they were 2 weeks late being born. As a result, my belly was so stretched out that I had horizontal and vertical stretchmarks that were starting to split and bleed. My skin was so stretched out after they were born that I could scoop my hands under my ribs and grip them inside and out. Two years later, I had another set of twins. They were also 14 pounds total and their one shared placenta also weighed 7 pounds. That was it. My body was ravaged and I never lost the weight from my 2nd pregnancy. I had a very difficult time dealing with 4 children in 2 years at such a young age and I eventually became severely depressed. I was poor and my ex-husband had lost interest in everything as well by the time my youngest twins were about 2. I went back to work and I hated it. We never had enough money and my ex started spending more and more time on the couch. Eventually, after trying for several years to make things better, I just gave up. I told him that I didn’t love him and that I wanted a divorce. He just shrugged me off and said it was a stage and that I’d get over it. I wasn’t working at this point and I felt hopelessly trapped. Talk about eating for comfort. The only thing in my life that I had enough of was food. I had maintained a weight of 275 for many years but I started gaining more and more weight. My ex and I started to live in different rooms and presented ourselves as being separated. I began to date other people with his knowledge. I was still completely miserable in my situation but I felt trapped and I didn’t know what to do.

Then, I met my current husband. I’m not going to go into our whole story, but he was my knight in shining armor. After a lot of work including me finally getting a good job with Rick’s help, Rick and I buying a car together, and getting my divorce, I moved in with Rick. He and I had so much fun from the start. At this point, I was 375 pounds. Twenty five of those pounds just fell away. I didn’t try at all, I was just happy and more active. I have all boys and they wanted to stay with their dad so I let them. He was always good with them and I just felt that it was the right thing to do.

So, the past 5 years, I’ve started trying to lose weight again. I lost 50 pounds and got down to 300 doing JUDDD. I gained 35 of those pounds back and lost them again once and gained it all back. I lost a bit more doing a low carb plan but then just stalled. My mom lost some weight doing HCG and I started researching it. I read everything I could find on it and decided to do it, so here I am.

I don’t want to give up this time.  I’m doing this for my health now, and not for my looks. I am fully convinced that I’m going to look much worse at 200 pounds than at 300 because of all of my loose skin. It makes me sad, but what can I do? I won’t be able to afford plastic surgery and I somehow doubt that I’ll be able to get my insurance to pay for it.

I do have some pretty major issues with abandonment and being let down by the men who have been the most important to me in my life. I have issues with all of the years I spent hating my body. I have issues of guilt with leaving my children with their dad. I am trying to overcome it all and just do what is right for me. My kids are all almost grown now and it’s time.

HGC Loading

January 4, 2010

Ok, so I’m doing my loading/gorging days today and tomorrow. Breakfast was half a tray of Mrs. Shubert’s yeast rolls with sausage, an entire pint of praline ice cream, and then I ate a whole bag of dried pineapple while I was working. Lunch was a big turkey sub and a HUGE Haas avocado with Russian dressing. We’re meeting my mom in a few hours at Olive Garden and I have even more stuff to eat tonight. Scary! My tummy hurts.

I did my first sublingual dose of  HCG this morning and the B12 vitamins that I mixed with taste really horrible. I guess I’ll get used to them eventually. It actually made me kind of sick to my stomach.

As I’m going through and doing all of this, I am still scared and nervous that it’s not going to work for me. That I’m not going to lose weight like so many other people have or that I’m going to be starving to death and I won’t be able to stick it out. I really feel as if this is my last chance. It’s this or stay fat. I’m just done struggling when I’ve been struggling for as long as I can remember. I’m going to post my “fat story” after this post so that people can read it if they want to. I wrote it out before and it’s long and rambling, but I just said things as I was thinking them.

Ok, I’m off to have a nice Lush bath (Lush.com) and get ready to go out tonight. Thanks to whoever decides to read this!!

HCG

January 4, 2010

After months of research, the time has finally come for me to start the HCG protocol. I’ll have my first dose in the morning and start my 2 loading days. I’m nervous. Very nervous. I’m just afraid that it’s not going to work for me the way it has for so many other people. I truly feel as if this is my last chance. If I don’t lose the weight now, I’m never going to. I’ll write more on another day about how I got to where I am, needing to lose 145 pounds. I’ll just end this short first post by saying that I am very excited to be starting tomorrow. Cross your fingers!

Hello world!

January 3, 2010

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!